Go on an adventure with a psychologist who shows you how to break free from old expectations
Are you yearning to break free from the invisible chains of expectations others have of you and you have of yourself?
Escaping Expectations takes you inside the mind of a psychologist as she explores the sights and cultures of the Borneo rainforest.
You become immersed in Muslim, Chinese, and Indigenous tribal cultures, each having different expectations for men and women. Along the way, you learn to embrace people with differing points of view and view yourself without judgment.
Escaping Expectations details a Fulbright professor’s six-month experience in Borneo, Malaysia. It explores the challenges and insights gained from immersing oneself in a vastly different culture, covering everything from unexpected logistical hurdles and social customs to the complexities of religious and political tensions.
The author examines themes of cultural expectations, personal transformation, and the importance of empathy and connection across diverse backgrounds, ultimately reflecting on how these experiences shaped one’s worldview.
Table of Contents
I
Chapter One: Shangri-La * The Journey to Borneo:
II
Chapter Two: Free To Go * Leaving Responsibilities Behind
III
Chapter Three: Not What I Expected * Arrival and Culture Shock
IV
Chapter Four: Seeing The Usually Unseen * Political Unrest and Observation
V
Chapter Five: Becoming Malay * Adopting Local Customs
Beverly Palmer, Ph.D., has been a clinical psychology professor at California State University, Dominguez Hills for 38 years, teaching both undergraduate and graduate courses in clinical psychology and social psychology. Since 1985, she has maintained a private practice as a licensed clinical psychologist, assisting individuals and couples with a range of personal and relationship issues. She received the prestigious Fulbright Fellowship to Borneo and, again, to Malaysia because of her expertise as a psychology professor and her empathy for people from other cultures. She has authored numerous articles about interpersonal relationships in scientific publications, and in 2018, she published the self-help bookLove Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life.
She has been featured in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Business Insider, and online magazines such as Success.com and Bustle.com. She has regularly contributed to the Psychology Today and The Conversation blogs and has been interviewed on numerous podcasts. She is listed as a media consultant on interpersonal relations with the American Psychological Association.
What readers said
★★★★★
Escaping Expectations follows the adventures of Beverly Palmer, a psychologist, during her six months in Borneo. Starting as a frightened American whose bank and credit cards were frozen, to becoming a professor who embraced, enjoyed, and lectured at a foreign university will thrill and entrance you. Dr. Palmer shares how she worked on her core belief that a good life isn’t about doing what others expect but about having the courage to follow your adventurous nature, wherever it might lead. Her passion is infectious! This is a 5-star read!
Art Smukler MD, psychiatrist and member of the UCLA faculty
★★★★★
In Escaping Expectations, Dr. Beverly Palmer brings the rare combination of an academic researcher’s inquiry, a painter’s eye, and a psychologist’s sensitivity to vividly recount her journey in colorful and clashing Borneo when it was still exotic, pre-Sept 2001. I feel like I am right there with the author, visiting colorful Borneo, in awe and wonder. This book reads fast and smart, blending personal and universal truths, questioning inner and outer limitations and expectations through the lens of social upbringing and in the context of diverse cultural values. I found the book to be beautifully written and impactful, full of practical advice and psychological insight that is especially relevant and important for anyone who wishes to navigate today’s changing and divisive times peacefully.
This adventure is full of emotional insights and psychological truths about inner and outer expectations. One phrase especially resonated with me: “I did not want others’ expectations imposed on me, nor did I want to depend on others’ opinions for my view of myself.”
Joann Ng., MD, psychiatrist and poet
Subscribe
You can subscribe to get the latest blog post in your inbox to learn more about escaping your expectations.
We have expectations for everyone in our lives. We may expect our child to get good grades. We may expect our partner to ask if there is anything we need before heading off to the grocery store. We may even expect a co-worker to finish their part of the project on time.
Unspoken Expectations
Often the expectation we have for another person is not directly stated. We just assume that person should be doing whatever we expect. For example, you might expect your partner to hold up their end in the division of labor. But you may not have clearly stated who is supposed to do what and when.
When Your Expectation is Not Met
When the other person does not do what you expected, you may become disappointed. Of course, no one can meet your expectations all the time. In addition, the other person may not even have known what you expected.
Effect of Complaining or Criticizing
It may seem like telling the other person you are disappointed is reasonable. But the other person may hear your disappointment as a complaint or as criticism. And complaining or criticizing damages a relationship.
How to Deal with Failed Expectations
Take a moment to think about how you deal with failed expectations. For example, you may expect your partner to wash the dinner dishes. When your partner misses an evening of doing that, what do you feel? What do you think? What do you Say?
If you begin your feedback with “you” (such as “You didn’t do the dinner dishes”—sigh), your partner will become defensive? Try just describing what you noticed, without using any “you” in the statement. A possible way of commenting is, “Last night’s dishes are still here this morning.”
Your partner can then reply without feeling criticized. This is a way to express your feelings without damaging your partner’s feelings or the relationship.
See examples of how to give constructive feedback in Escaping Expectations, available in online bookstores.
Your mother asks, “When are you going to have a second child?”
Your boss demands that you finish the project by tomorrow because, after all, you can do it.
Your co-worker tells you the outfit you are wearing really is not appropriate for the office.
Your partner says, “You are such a great cook, I’d like my parents to come over this weekend for one of your small plates dinners.”
“Aye Yai Yai! That really hurt,” is what you may be feeling.
Notice Your Reaction
Yes, you can simmer with your resentment or try to comply with the demands to prove you are good enough. But, aren’t you tired of all of this?
You can’t change other people, but you can change how you react to them. You don’t have to live up to their expectations.
And you don’t have to let those expectations bury themselves inside you. It’s as if you catch their view of you like you catch the flu. It takes up residence within you, without you really wanting it.
What Are You Saying to Yourself
Are you saying, “I really care about what others are telling me I should be doing.”
Or are you saying, “I’ll do what they want because I want them to approve of me.”
Change that Thought
How would you feel if you said this instead of what you said to yourself? “I don’t have to live up to what they expect of me.”
Feeling any better? You may even find they still approve of you even if you don’t change for them. Furthermore, you don’t have to let their expectations simmer inside of you. Try it now.
To explore more of the expectations others may have of you, read Escaping Expectations, available in all online bookstores.
Marriage, a cornerstone of many societies, is often presented as the ultimate destination of romantic love. From fairy tales to romantic comedies, the prevailing narrative is one of two individuals finding their “happily ever after,” where all conflicts are resolved, and a shared future unfolds seamlessly. This idealized vision, however, sets a dangerous precedent.
Expectations Lead to Disillusionment
When couples enter a marriage with a set of pre-existing, and often unspoken, expectations, they set the stage for disillusionment. The failure to align these deeply held beliefs with the complex reality of a shared life is a primary source of conflict, revealing that the true test of a relationship is not in the moments of romance, but in the negotiation of unmet expectations.
These rigid, often gendered, assumptions about roles can lead to profound resentment when reality sets in. When a partner does not perfectly fit this preconceived mold—perhaps they struggle to express emotions or are less interested in traditional duties—the other feels betrayed, not by a genuine failing, but by the collapse of a cherished but unrealistic fantasy.
Financial Expectations
Beyond personal roles, financial and life-planning expectations also frequently lead to discord. Couples may harbor different, uncommunicated views on everything from spending habits to long-term career goals. One partner might expect to save aggressively for an early retirement, while the other might prioritize travel and immediate experiences.
Lifestyle Expectations
Similarly, expectations about when to have children, where to live, or how to care for aging parents can create a powerful undercurrent of tension. These are not merely practical disagreements; they are clashes of fundamental life philosophies. When a job loss, an unexpected expense, or a change of heart derails these carefully constructed plans, the resulting strain is often misinterpreted as a flaw in the relationship itself, rather than a necessary moment of adaptation.
Expecting Partner to Intuitively Know One’s Needs
Ultimately, the most damaging failed expectation is the myth that a partner will intuitively know one’s needs without being told. This is often rooted in the romantic ideal of being “soulmates,” where verbal communication is seen as an unnecessary crutch. This unspoken expectation is particularly insidious because it discourages the very tool needed to resolve the issue: honest and vulnerable conversation.
Break Through Silent Expectations
When one partner holds a silent grievance, believing the other should have simply “known better,” they are not only setting themselves up for disappointment but are also preventing the couple from working through the problem together. A healthy marriage is not one without conflicts, but one where couples possess the courage and the tools to voice their expectations, confront their failures, and build a more realistic, collaborative future.
Failed Expectations Signal a Need for Open Communication
In conclusion, the journey of marriage is not the seamless continuation of a romance but a constant process of reconciling ideals with reality. The failure of expectations—whether regarding a partner’s role, financial goals, or the myth of intuitive understanding—serves as a painful but essential wake-up call. Rather than signaling the end of love, these failures highlight the need for open communication, flexibility, and a willingness to see one’s partner not as a projection of their desires, but as a dynamic and imperfect human being. By dropping the veil of perfection, couples can build a more resilient, authentic, and truly enduring partnership.
Now go on an adventure examining your own social role expectations by reading Escaping Exkpectations, available at all online bookstores.
“I do a lot so my (husband, parent, child) will be proud of me.”
Are you trying to live up to their expectations or your own expectations for yourself? They might expect you to achieve a certain status, to fulfill their expectation of you achieving what they weren’t able to achieve, to be what they want you to be.
Is being proud of you worth giving up your own goals? Or giving up your physical or mental health?
Stop and Listen to Yourself
You can break out of the box these expectations have put you in. First, realize that they probably will be proud of what you do even if it is not what they expected. Notice what you are proud of, independent of what others think about you. Then let them know what you are doing that you are proud of.
In Escaping Expectations, I was often alone in nature. During those times, “I hoped to reconnect with the parts of myself I had somehow lost touch with during my relentless drive to meet others’ expectations of me while in California.” You can stop and spend a quiet moment in nature listening to what you really want and who you really are.
Old expectations about yourself and others can prevent you from having the life you want. We learned many of these expectations as a child or teen, and we still carry them with us.
Check off those expectations that fit you.
☐ The Caretaker Contract I must always take care of_______________.
☐ The Fear of “No” If I say “no”, the other person will think less of me.
☐ The Approval Seeker I do some things to get thanks and appreciation.
☐ The Image Directive I should dress the way others expect me to look.
☐ The Burden of Pride I do a lot so my (husband, parent, child) will be proud of me and see me as successful.
☐ The Disappointment Phobia I am not a person who disappoints other people.
☐ The Perfectionist Mandate I am a high achiever in everything I do.
☐ The Role Play I must conform to what a (wife, husband, parent) is supposed to be and do.
☐ The “Hard Work” Fallacy If I work hard, I will reap the rewards.
☐ The Facade of Flawlessness I can’t let anyone see my faults.
If you checked off more than a few, you’re not alone. These aren’t personal failings; they are deeply ingrained patterns.
And while it might seem harmless to sometimes do things because you worry about what others think, the cumulative effect is devastating. When you consistently feel compelled to meet these expectations, you trade authenticity for approval. It leads to burnout, resentment, and a nagging feeling that you’re living someone else’s life.
It’s what keeps your hand hovering on the doorknob, too afraid to see what’s on the other side.
But recognizing the lock is the first step toward finding the key.
Stay tuned to discover how to modify or break free of these old expectations. Subsequent blog posts will tackle them one by one.
“I should dress the way others expect me to look.”
This expectation originates more from society than from individuals. One’s social group often dictates how members of that group should dress and present themselves. Most of us want to be part of a group that represents something desirable, such as status, access to resources, or even the feeling of being accepted by others.
These pressures become strongest when one is younger. We might even put on a false front to be accepted. Or we spend a lot of money and time on social media chasing the latest fashion or physical makeover.
Societal expectations for body image can affect one’s self-esteem. Men, as well as women, experience messages about the ideal body image. These messages come from advertising, from social media, and even from just comparing ourselves to others.
Group Biases Are Expectations
The problem with identifying with a group’s norms for dress or personal physical characteristics is the exclusion of people who do not adopt those norms. Perhaps once people see themselves as belonging to a particular group, it may be difficult to resist seeing that group as superior to others.
In Escaping Expectations,”I often examined conscious and unconscious biases because of my identification (by myself or others) with certain groups. These biases are a form of expectations that I had been trying to escape.”
Accepting Ourseves Just as We Are
Fortunately, as we age, others’ views of us, especially our appearance, usually fade. We begin to see ourselves as accepted for who we are, rather than how we look or what we do.
And we begin to accept others not in terms of their appearance or group membership, but instead as unique and valuable individuals.
Leave a Reply